The End of GCU

17 Nov

the feeling is strange: the feeling of being a failure. The knowledge of it is undesirable. We build around ourselves the walls of mirrors. These walls not only stop you from seeing what is the rest of the world is made of; but they are more dangerous in the sense that these mirrors only show you what you throw at them. The editorship of the Ravi was something i had craved all my life. i felt that it was something that would have validated my stay of 6 years at GCU. I thought that finally i would be able to fulfill my desire with which i entered the gates of Government College six years back: the desire to make a name for myself here, so that my coming generations can look back with a sense of pride. 

When my eyes could not detect my name on that list, i felt my dreams being trampled upon. I had hardly ever given a thought that i would not be selected as the editor of The Ravi. I would not say that i was too proud to think of anyone much worthy. It was just that i seemed an automatic choice. But i guess it was one of those mirror walls that tricked me into believing that. 

How can they assess by an interview of merely two minutes that a person can work or not. Did they not know that the person who was sitting next to them had worked for a whole one year? How could they forget that this was that very person who would edit all the articles to the best of his abilities and tried never to let his editor down? How could they judge my work in a matter of a few seconds? Should i not feel betrayed? Should i not feel wanting? When they tell me that i was poor at the interview, then does it mean that a person has to be good at the interviews only and not at the actual work? It’s not that one should be bad at the interview, but the point that i am trying to focus here is that i had worked and worked damn too hard for this post! Danyal gets the editorship of Gazette by not editing even a single article of The Ravi. Hammad gets the editorship of The Ravi by being the blue-eyed boy. People in the department knew him. And the one who did most of the work last year gets to know that just because he could not ‘impress’ somebody in a few seconds gets nothing. 

I wish i could cry. I wish i could let the tears come down my face. I wish that my heart could feel lighter. I wish for all of this. But they dont seem to be coming. I dont know what is stopping them. I wish that these tears would just stream down and i could feel better. I feel all grumpy.

So, is this the end? Of GCU, it is. I never thought my roller-coaster life of GCU would meet such a tragic ending. It’s like standing in the long line of the awaiting people and only after standing for two hours you get to know that you are just not what they want you to be. I know that I could have managed Ravi and would have done it well. But it doesnt matter, not anymore at least. The damage is done and there is nothing one can do about it. What i have to do is to concentrate hard on my studies. I have to clear CSS if i stand a better chance of marrying hira. She is so much depending upon me to do something. i hope i do not disappoint her. 

I hope Hammad finds all the more difficult in running The Ravi. Do you really want him to suffer? Yes. It would vindicate my regrets and soothe the hurt. Revenge, though inhumane, is only natural.


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